I take full responsibility for what has transpired over the last several weeks. I am flawed, and, yes, that’s all on me. I was the one who isolated myself from others…due to lack of motivation and semi-depression (nothing earth shattering or suicidal, just being “down”). One day led to another….and rather than seeking solace from my close friends, I instead distanced myself from them. Huge mistake!
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my friends! I would do just about anything for them – give them the shirt off my back, walk over hot coals, whatever. But sometimes I feel “alone”. And sometimes I need alone time. Unfortunately, I let time get away from me. And after awhile, I dread to take that first step back to normalcy. I fear I will be ridiculed for my insecurities, my fears, or that I’ll be labeled too needy and therefore not worth the effort.
I’ve broken the bonds of friendship with these two people….and I can’t fix things. I would love to be able to, but……When someone only gives a certain number of chances to another, and you cross that line, what’s the point of trying? And believe me, I fully support people who have principles and who are strong. Sometimes one can be a little too inflexible in their standards, but that’s just them…and I make no judgment on that – because we all have strengths and weaknesses.
My main weakness is my insecurity. At times I feel (probably unnecessarily so) that no one misses me or wants to spend time with me. That fear makes days turn into weeks with no attempt on my part to bridge that gap. I fear that I may just be allowed in but not accepted or wanted or needed. For me, well, I NEED people! I need to know that I am valued by someone I feel close to. Without that sense of value, what’s the point??
I mean, seriously, if you care about someone – even if they’re being a total ass – would you “amputate” out of your life? Wouldn’t you at the very least check up on them once in awhile – to make sure they’re okay? Perhaps they feel unable to ask for help or support….and perhaps you already know that about them….but not one text, not one phone call, nothing. And then it’s like they were never a part of your lives. At least not an important part.
I guess I find it difficult with relationships. I mean, when I care about someone, I let them know (in various ways). They’re important to me…perhaps too important. It’s a terrible thing to be without close friends, without those you enjoyed spending time with, those you depended on to keep you grounded. What hurts the most is that I value my friends more than I feel they value me. And if I don’t feel valued, that just increases my insecurity. It’s a vicious cycle. And it isn’t as if it hasn’t happened before. Too many times to count, in fact.
The thing is that this was never about them, never because I felt wronged or because someone said something to me I didn’t like. It was about me isolating myself so I could get my head screwed back on correctly. And as time went on and no attempt was made on either side to bridge that gap, that’s when the depression (or the moodiness) really kicked in. I’ve struggled through it….more than a month of it….and not a day goes by that I don’t think about these people at least 20 times a day!!! Everything from regret to kicking myself in the ass to wishing I was a strong, well adjusted person with huge self esteem who could just “roll with the punches” or just act as if nothing happened so things could go back to normal. But it can never be normal again.
My main regret is that these people may feel that I don’t value them anymore, that I am the one that doesn’t want to spend time with them. Nothing could be further from the truth! I miss the laughter, the camaraderie, the road trips, the shopping, the meals out, the meals in, the sharing. But it’s now down to just embracing the isolation, the loneliness, and moving on….to what, I’m not sure. Yes, I realized many years ago that I could live without an intimate relationship…..but existing without close friends is something that I will never get used to.