I know you won’t read this…but it needs to be written on my part – perhaps for closure, perhaps for cleansing; I don’t know. It’s too painful to hold it in, and there needs to be relief…somehow.
Thank you for sharing your life with me; for sharing your family with me; for sharing your home with me. You have no idea how much your friendship meant to me, and now there won’t be a chance to tell you.
We are all flawed and all of us have baggage, as well as principles and values. I loved you for the person you are: assertive, strong, caring, someone with a great (and sometimes wacky) sense of humor. Yes, you could be inflexible at times….but I don’t have a problem with that. You’ve been “through the wars” and that has made you the person you are. You were never a game player. Neither was I. Yes, I made mistakes, and I own that. I’ve been insecure and introverted, afraid of asking for help….my being “through the wars” was instrumental in creating those habits…habits that are nearly impossible to break. Yes, I’ve been moody, have isolated myself from you and others – basically because I didn’t expect anyone to accept me with my all my baggage, with all my flaws – I feared ridicule. I suppose you would say that I lacked trust. Perhaps I did. I’ve been hurt by people so often over the years that I’ve come to expect people to turn away from me when they see the person I am on the inside.
I NEVER wanted things to get out of hand the way they did. After a couple of weeks, I wanted so badly to bridge the gap….but felt as if I would just be tolerated and not really “wanted”. That paralyzing fear kept me from reaching out the countless times I wanted to do so. And then it snowballed and became an avalanche and I was buried and couldn’t dig my way out.
This was never anything to do with you. I’ve thought about you at least 20 times a day, missing our daily interactions. You’ve taught me so much, and opened new worlds to me, new interests, and I will be forever grateful for that. I considered you one of my dearest friends, and I am so sorry it’s come to this. But I knew you only gave a certain amount of chances to people….and I struck out. So I took the coward’s way out, the weak person’s way out, and just let things go. For that I will always be truly sorry. You will still hold a special place in my heart, my friend.