Perhaps it was the result of not having taken my antidepressants for several weeks (reason being, I can’t get another prescription at the UrgiCare section of the hospital, and it’s too complicated to reapply for WeCare or ICare or whatever it is, and it’s also too complicated to contact the CAO to apply for Medicaid & wait to get turned down & then apply for whatever the “Care” it is). Perhaps it was the result of no longer being a college student, of having attained that goal of a Bachelor’s Degree, and feeling less grounded. Perhaps it is the stress of living my son’s minimum wage earnings, of not having enough money for bills and the essentials. Perhaps it is the stress of seeing my son stressed about our financial situation. Perhaps it is the circumstance of living in a small college town in rural western PA where there are NO jobs available, apart from retail (which I cannot do). Perhaps it is the fact that I’ve always been emotional to the extreme at times. Or perhaps it is a combination of any or all of the above.
Whatever the reason, this evening I had a profound experience. Considering the difficulties and challenges I faced trying to raise my son on my own in Melbourne, with very little support from friends and family, and the fact that I made numerous mistakes in not only my parenting but my personal choices, I feel I did a good job in raising my son. He turned out pretty special, and I have to say I’m proud of him.
He came home from his 8 am to 5 pm shift at Sprawlmart, handed me a cigarette as “payment” and asked me to wake him up in an hour (he was going to take a nap on the couch). Well, I continued to surf the internet in various areas….after awhile, I swiveled my chair around and looked at him stretched out on the sofa. So relaxed, so …. grown up. I felt a deluge of memories and emotions – of him as a baby, a toddler, a young child, a teenager…and it just hit me. How much I truly loved this person I’d given birth to. Okay, I had a C-Section, to ‘technically’ I didn’t go through childbirth, but still….One of the few (perhaps the ultimate) remarkable things I’ve accomplished thus far.
Just had to put this out there. 😀