It’s been awhile since I’ve been here. Things haven’t gone at all the way I anticipated they would – especially since the euphoria of my graduation from IUP in 2013 on my birthday. I’ve managed to hold onto sanity … but only just. Were it not for my dear Murphy, I fear I would have ended up in a padded cell long ago! And then there’s the support from my other friends and neighbors, and my dearest son.
One thing is certain. I have abandoned all thoughts of the IUP master’s program. I was sure I’d be able to get in, especially once the sociology department did away with the GRE requirement. I did apply for the English master’s program, but was turned down. Then thought of the counseling program…but of course that went nowhere after my HUGE faux pas with my favorite professor. So I set my sights once again on the sociology program. I even managed to write 85% of my goal statement. These past few days, however, have shown me some crucial facts.
Firstly, there is no way I’d be able to come up with the application fee. And I refuse to even consider asking my son for the money. Things are extremely tight, and he/we need a new vehicle – preferably before the truck disintegrates beneath us. As it is, I have come to realization that I can no longer ask him for “special” foods. After all, there is the food I’m getting from the food bank – most of it unappetizing, of course. And with my depression and lack of motivation, it’s difficult to come up with ideas of how to combine said unappetizing ingredients into something I could manage to digest.
Secondly, even though Murphy keeps reminding me that “nothing ventured, nothing gained” and which is the same advice I wouldn’t hesitate to give to others, there is no guarantee that I actually would be accepted into the program – even on the slight chance I could come up with the application fee.
Thirdly, there is also no guarantee that I would get financial aid. I’ve deferred my student loans 2 or 4 times already since graduation – due to the fact that I’ve been unable to find a job of any kind (the two interviews I’ve had with CYS came to naught).
Fourthly, let’s face it. I’m going to be 61 in December. Yes, other “older” people have gone onto getting their master’s or PhDs…and the majority of them could afford it financially. Also, there’s no guarantee that I’d even find employment with a master’s! My B.A. in Sociology certainly hasn’t made an impact in the job market!! Of course, if I didn’t live in such a small college town, with only retail and personal care positions – neither of which I can do, for various reasons – or if the public transportation system wasn’t so inadequate – or if I had my own reliable vehicle….well, never mind.
Frankly, even though I desired the sociology master’s program at IUP with all of my being, it wasn’t something I ever thought I’d gain. So I’ve accepted reality and embraced the defeat. And the possibility of doing patchwork and quilted items for sale is a pipe dream as well. Yes, I have a sewing machine. But there are no funds to buy materials, so…….
So what does that leave me?? Well, not a hell of a lot. I’ve even come to accept the fact that I’m a financial and emotional drain on my son. Of course, he doesn’t say anything (well, not much anyway)….but he has been dealing with his own stress – the vehicle, relationships, work, etc. It’s not fair for me to be such a burden on him. I’ll try to continue to explore my options, but really there’s not much to consider at the moment.